Gabriel's new paints! and something about far away

Today, Gabriel never went to school. We had a day together for a special treat. Childhood is so short, I need to relish it. Soon he will be in 'big school' .. and all that that brings...

Today we bought some paints, like Flora's! and we did painting!
The first two are Gabriel's first paintings,at least with me [thank goodness his school is one where kids can get their hands dirty and it's actually encouraged!] The paintings are in order, but along with painting on paper,  my face got painted,  my hands, the table, and other items within the vacinity of the paint box! Being with children is expansive!

I love these paintings. They make me so happy and so sad at the same time.
I am so happy to see my little boy making with his hands and asking for 'gialo' but I am so sad for other reasons.. I am sure I am absolutely biased but I just love these paintings so much.

The third painting he did when I was at work, and he was with his Papi. I love that one too.
It is kind of how I feel. How lovely to see a mirror of myself, and how ironic that it's my 3 year old son that created it.

I have put these pictures on the wall of the house we live in. I feel so happy that my little boy has made some pictures at 'home' because that was my dream, to live in a creative family where people made things with their hands every day and we talked not just through words but through being together in a creative space, making, be that with colour, music, words, lego, stuff, whatever. A space where everyone had a voice and everyone felt heard, at least some of the time, and seen, at least some of the time. I feel that these little pictures are a tiny window onto that world. I am sad about the circumstances and everything that looms outside of this tiny window of happiness.

 I feel sad that at the age of 3, I feel I am curbing and limitting his life through the circumstances we find ourselves in, and mine too [I have only been a mommy for 4 years, if I include he tummy time, which is vital, so I am a 4 year old mommy!]

I want to write about flutes, flutes don't take up much space and are gentle but resonant voices. I But it is too late. I will write tomorrow. or the next day.
But for now, I am enjoying Bevani's flute channel on youtube.

The main thing is that I wanted to say something about Gabriel's paintings, before his childhood flies away ...

'Urban Sketchers' Palermo, and a little bit of running, and Palazzo Adriano and Halloween... and...

I want to write a bit about running and drawing. And about a race, and a drawing experience specifically...  But no doubt, this will go where it goes... we have pictures for anchors!
Ok, I shall start:  Today was such a lovely day, one of my nicest so far since arriving in Palermo, because it was a day of making something with my hands, with other people!
For a little while I felt un-homesick for my ilk.
Palermo Urban Sketchers!!

Me and  Gabriel went, it was great. I shall write a bit about it, and the idea and the concept, but for now, here are some pictures.

First, these are two little pictures that Gabriel and his friend who is 6, made!.
They are actually very small, on little cards. Thank you to Gabriel's friend who is so generous with her patience, kindness and sharing of her things, with a bouncing 3 year old boy,  including her water colours and construction ideas!  

[see the parco dei dinosauri below!]

Then, here is my drawing of the river. It's not what the river looks like, obviously, but I enjoyed drawing it.  To just be, in a place for a period of time, without having to converse, analyse, rush, respond, etc. The simple act of just tuning into different sensations and feelings, and draw is a pleasure. So different to my recent drawings which are also important and valid, but very internal and less about the space I am in. Usually I am trying to hide away from the space I am in, and find a new imaginary space to go and play in, just for a while.
So it's interesting... I am pondering and my mind is turning stones over and digging a little with today's experience.

Also, no doubt drawing in community, so the idea of 'Urban Skecthers',  creates yet another experience.

It goes without saying, of course, that drawing, as a voice, is universal, and so for a little while, I get a break from my 'normal' stranieri speaking challenges, and I can just draw 'insieme'!

I also like the fact that Gabriel can have these kinds of experiences, and I hope we can do this again in one way or another. We shall! In fact, we do have a litle collection of drawings we did on our various excursions in the summer, we did it, but this is a little different. A little bit more expansive. Not just mommy and crayons!

So, my drawings from today are kind of rudimentary, and clunky. But, it is a start, and I feel inspired.

I was saying to Gabriel's friend's mommy,  that when I have been somewhere and done a drawing, my memory and recollection of the day or the place is incredibly different. It's as if drawing makes a real imprint on my memory and it adds roots and weight to the day, no matter how 'good' or not the drawing was. [or the thing I made, or whatever]

Time and time again, and this has been through out my life, I feel as if I speak most confidently with my hands. I have less of a need to have what I say with my hands 'validated' through feedback.  I mind less what people think. I can breath more freely.

It's interresting, I dont know... It can be music, it can be any kind of art, its the physicality of it and the sort of connection between heart and hands, and the senses. It's like running! sort of.. in running you aren't making something, but you are feeding your soul with the senses, and without words.
I think its the feeling of feeling connected. When I make anything with my hands: drawing, sculpture, paper mache, mosaics,  tapestry, anything, I feel connected. I'm using parts of me intuitively and I suppose you could say authentically.
It's so interesting though, how it changes, when you DO get feedback, even if that is just the dance of drawing in the same space as others, and connecting so subtly as to not even have to speak!

But having said all of that, I LOVE words, and I love to read them, write them and bask in them.

I just find saying them hard, is all.... 

Let us draw!!

This is the second drawing which is very unfinished, I will try to finish it with my imagination. I like where it is going.. even if it looks VERY rudimentory in this state!

And this was the first one, I like it. I dont like the composition and the bottem right hand side is a bit dud, but I like it still... more for what it made me feel like and the ideas it gave me.

So I like it for that. It's whats inside that counts!

Oh, and I like the fact that I still use LOTS of colour no matter where in the world I am.

Now running and other stuff!

And just quickly, some running pictures from last weekend. We went to Palazzo Adriano to do one of the ECO Trails. This is an important town because it is where the Crispi part of Maurizio's family is from, AND it is where Cinema Paradiso was filmed, and that was a film that I watched when I was in school, when it came out and showed in the Art House cinemas in South Africa. It had a HUGE impact on me at the time, and to this day, I still cannot fathom exactly how or why. . Little did I know, to what extent I would connect with it again!

So, I ran the trail run in Palazzo Adriano, well, in the mountains near by.. beautiful!!!

Since moving here, I have run a lot less than I every did in London, which is pretty ironic given that this is such a beautiful place to run in, with such an amazing climate, and the culture is so much more layed back and passive than in London.

But there we go, the mysteries of life... so I am pretty unfit and clunky in both drawing and running! 

But luckily both are in my bones, I grew up with them, so they are oldest and most trusted friends and I can connect very quickly and get back on the saddle and not worry too much.
Thank goodness!

After the run, and a nice lunch, we went to explore the old train tunnel. There used to be a train from Palermo to Palazzo Adriano, which Maurizio's father used to go on as a child, so it was nice to walk in that tunnel and tell Gabriel that his Grandpa used to go on a train through that tunnel a long time ago.

That was nice.  I like that kind of thing. Physical tactile things that feel real, especially as niether me nor Gabriel have ever met Maurizio's parents.

So here are the pictures!

[oh and also something from the Italian, but more prominant here in the South -  'Day of the dead'. Children get presents - supposedly from the dead relatives [so really, a bit like saying the present comes from Santa Clause]. You can see Gabriel with a most gleeful smile getting his day of the dead present, very sweetly written in English from his Pappi. We don't really do the same thing for our South African relatives, most of whom are not yet dead.

At the same time there was Halloween. Again, something a bit ambivalent here in the South as some people think its a bit evil, Perhaps they forget  that really its just about kids having fun and using their imaginations, and building community spirit through playful traditions, like thinking up and creating costumes, and Trick or Treating.

Finally some links to some cool stuff Mauri has done about Palazzo Adriano itself, and his family,  as well as the ECO Trail.

About the ECOTRAIL at Palazzo Adriano, by Maurizio Crispi

About the railway line of Mauri's dad's childhood

There might be more, I must look, I will add them.

Oh this is one he did at the time of another trail race, a few weeks ago,  which he went to alone.
It was near the mountain where his father died in the aeroplane crash,  so this piece is about that. I like this one a lot.

So, anyway, I hope we can go to the next Urban Sketchers meeting!

I'll be the giant monster crossing the road and you be the police and stop all the cars.

This is about me and Gabriel. We play a lot of games -  designed by Gabriel, which are based around the books we are reading, films we are watching, and things that happen on our journeys.

For example, on Saturday, we were driving through town trying really hard to go somewhere, using our satnav, and there were roads blocked off by the police all over the place, with the usual cacophony of hooting shouting arm waving etc, AND then the doube challenge of finding alternative routes in a city like Palermo where literally all roads are one ways! 
These road blocks made a huge impact on the little game maker, and so now, a lot of stories are being made about police stopping cars! Characters get brought in from all and sundry, right now Roald Dhal's BFG is the one crossing the road and ordering the police around!
and then of course, sound effects.. we have various songs which get sung to add emotional charge and seriousness to the situation, eg 'We need to call Paw Patrol!" followed by a serious rendering of the Paw Patrol theme song, quickly followed by the Spiderman song.

So the drawing is about our play. I remember really loving reading Winnicot on play and about how play is the work of children, and to enter into play fully is to be fully present and connected with a child. What a privelage. Of course, play extends to adulthood, look at theater, sport, board games, ART!  the list is endless..  Play is one of the things that keeps us present and in the moment. It's vital.

“It is in playing and only in playing that the individual child or adult is able to be creative and to use the whole personality, and it is only in being creative that the individual discovers the self.”     D. Winnicott

Me and Gabriel play a LOT.  luckily.. It is something we have that is free and ours. So although it is intangible, it's not a family photo or a family relic or something to hold in your hands and look at and reminisce over,  we are making memories that are priceless and can't be lost or locked away.
We have them, no matter what! We are alive, and we are growing!

and now, some pics from recently:

A little autumn Saturday afternoon trip to the beach, nice and warm [a heat wave by British standards!] but no swimming. And thankfully no mozzies for a change!!

We are friends mommy, we are friends - Gabriel often says that to me now.

He got it from me actually. Sometimes when I get a bit cross with him for something but I dont want it to linger or become a bad mood, I just say we are friends Gabriel, we are friends, lets go! and smile. He likes that, and it works, so now he says it too! I think we both find it comforting and its pretty cool too. Enjoying it while I can, before teenager-dom sets in and then who knows!

Choosing ice-cream and San Lorenzo
10am Sunday morning!

Coming back to tell me!
Chocolate, always chocolate!

Gabriel and Papi selfi!

Sunday lunch with Papi and the new blue monster

And lastly, tonight, Gabriel watching his films with Orso! 

2 days of drawings and cat and mouse

First this drawing. I made this on Friday and Saturday. It's a sort of reaction to my week of drawings [and all that they carry in their pockets] and also, maybe, a little bit of a response to something I heard by Tich Nhat Hanh, where he talks about taking one step and breathing out one breath at a time, together, slowly.  I like that, its very comforting.

But of course I don't think this drawing comes across as comforting at all, but somewhere inside there, there is comfort, in the light, and the space, and the gaps. But I dont find it disturbing iether.. I dont know.. I'm not sure. Let us see what happens.

If one day I can paint with my oil paints again on different sized canvases all at the same time in stages, in some space, then I think these drawings will say a bit more. 
We are hoping and imagining in ernest! but also trying to just do the Tich Nhat Hanh stuff... which at least I can do! because the other seems so unreachable.   Anyway.. 

And now this one, which I made yesterday and today. I called it: "Holding on to my glowing kandinsky fishes"
Funny, now that I see what I have just written about the first picture, and I wasn't even thinking of this one or looking at it, it kind of pre-empts this one. In fact, it felt so comforting to make this picture of the fishes being held, and the fishes having energy and warmth and mystery.
the quirkiness of images and how they weedle themselves out of the 'hiddenest' places.

I think in a way, these pictures are like a cat and mouse game between groundedness and groundlessness. among other things.

Let us see what the Crayons bring forth next!!

grounded, and groundedness and groundlessness, and home.

A few things... first my drawing from a few days ago.  and then some found little bits and pieces, in words, to not let it be too alone...  and then some stuff from me and some of my artists.

groundedness
English
Etymology
grounded +‎ -ness

Noun

groundedness ‎(uncountable)

1. The quality of being grounded.  [quotations ▼]

grounded

play

adjective ground·ed \ˈgrȧun-dəd\Popularity: Top 20% of words

Simple Definition of grounded—used to describe a person who is sensible and has a good understanding of what is really important in life 

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  My little monkey, he's getting soooo big now! 3 years and 3 months.
  If he were in England he'd be almost in BIG SCHOOL!  yikes. at least he has 2 more years to play....
  
  Sitting in his train track. If I were a bit smaller, I would like to do that, it must feel nice, symbolically at least. The human search for boundaries, and being 'in' something. perhaps a little akin to 'groundedness' ?  And at the same time, a little boy's joy of play and experimentation and 'being'. In the moment.  he's making his mark! 
  
  
  "If we’re willing to give up hope that insecurity and pain can be exterminated, then we can have the courage to relax with the groundlessness of our situation. " ~ Pema Chodron

So, yes... grounded, and groundedness and groundlessness... an interesting dichotomy.

The top part of the drawing is kind of about trying to explore groundlessness, as Pema Chodron and the buddhist framework describes and encourage. I think its interesting and important and it's also about being present and 'seeing what happens'
- much like when you have a blank page, and you make a mark and see what happens. The mark is your mark, but its also inextricably linked to 'something else'.  You have control but you don't have control.   I think it's a brave place to [try to] be in. especially when you dont have a crayon and paper, you just have yourself in the air!
But she is holding onto something, she has flowers, flowers are alive and have a voice, so she is not entirely in groundlessness.. She usually likes to bring something with her, even if it's in her pocket.
Perhaps she will say more in the next drawing.. I wonder.

Then there is a fish deep deep in the water, like the idea of a glowing shimmering aluring Kandinsky fish. For me that is like the search for 'home' and the search for groundedness. The search for 'something' to feel more real and more visible and part of 'something'. Connected.
Like the way Victor Frankle talks about the Search for Meaning, on the one hand... but on the other hand on a more day to day practical level:  To feel grounded is, for me, to feel rooted and more secure. To feel at home. It's like I feel as if I need to first be grounded to be groundless. [but of course, to be 'grounded' implies depth and a lot more besides...]

But the universe, I think, is demanding the opposite... of 'grounded' from me..

We shall see... remain curious and see what happens!Here are my video's for today.

First I have Rosie Thomas "Much Farther to Go" This for me is about a lot of things, but I also relate to it in terms of the eternal and universal process that imigrants typically go through. She says:
And I, I have much farther to go
Everything is new and so unpredictable
I should just kick my hands together and go home
But I'm not sure where that is anymore





And then this, I just came across, by Marissa Nadler: "All the colors of the Dark"
I think the video is incredible, and the images speak volumes to me, and I just love it...  I love the art, I love the images, the ideas the symbols the metaphors.. watching it the first time, was a bit like being home...  I need to look some more... it is food!  

Ok, and that's it. A bit mixed up as usual. But I made a mark.
That's the main thing!

In search of bodhicitta and a learning from art school all those years ago in SA

About yesterday's drawing. 

Following on my little chat about art as expression of self [light side, dark side, in between, both... depending ], a few more musings...

This drawing is from yesterday. It sort of comes out of some delicious words and ideas I am reading, on and off, at the moment, by Pema Chodron, a Bhudist nun. Lots on youtube so added bonus you get to  feel as if someone is talking to you!

Pema speaks about the Bhudist concept of Bodhicitta, which is, well, I won't explain it now, It's better to listen here:,LISTEN - BODHICITTA 

simmer.......simmer....

And then.. somehow some threads from that take me 'back' to Durban South Africa .  

I was at Art School there for 4 years.

I was incredibly fortunate to have been taught by some of the top artists of the day, active political edgy established artists of South Africa, eg
Bronwen Findlay
Anthony Starkey
John Room
Lola Frost
Andrew Verster  [Andrew was not one of our tutors as such, but he often came to do critiques of our work, so he experience of being in his presence was amazing. He is an astounding artist]
Jeremy Wafer
Andries Botha  [Andries, also knows as BOET, which means Brother in Afrikaans, even purchased 2 of my paintings!]
Virginia McKenna  [not to be confused with Virginia McKenna, also from Durban who was the actress in the amazing film - from the book - BORN FREE -  a lovely topic  in itself for another post ]

it was an amazing time to be involved in the arts. We were on the cusp of the demise of Apartheid, involved to some extent using the arts, in expressing and exploring the social psychi at the time, and also in the euforia of its demise.

Many of these artists were brave brave active voices in the struggle, over many years. To be taught by them was an absolute privelage. Worth every cent of student loan and nights of waitressing!

Getting to the point... a very simple but profound lesson I learned in art school, among many many many things, was that if you are stuck with a painting or a drawing or an image.. turn it upside down and look at it, or turn it sideways. Move it into a different space with different light.

Often, I used to do that, and end up rebuilding the image using the 'turned over' view, or cutting it up and using the bits that I liked and worked. Or just finding some gap or light in the paint or the image to save and grow or give more of a voice to. There is always something!

So a few things happen there... 1. you entertain the idea that the image as it is, must change. It might not be working as it is, on that path.
2. by turning it over, you already start the thought process of, potentially, radical change, so what happens there?
You suddenly become less attached to your image, and less protective. You kind of migrate from static, to movement and curiosity. That's the big thing - you need to be curious, and you need to be thinking: I wonder what would happen if... and THEN taking the risk to make that change, and see what happens.

So the process although seemingly quick and intuitive at the time, if you break it down, becomes quite important, you sort of mix things up and let go of your control, but without becoming entirely passive and a spectator only.

So it's interesting... you are kind of looking for the bodhicitta in a way. 

I guess that might be what I was doing with this image, in a very simple way. I'm still not entirely satisfied with it. But it is great to enter into the process again. Ok, its 'just a picture' but pictures are notorious for turning into a talisman, without you even realising it, whether you 'like' the picure or not!

And finally, my last thought that came to me on the topic of art school, is the importance of a flock.
When I went to art school, I think it was the first time in my life where i really felt as if I belonged somewhere and is if I was with my kin. I felt more grounded and solid [not always but a lot] I was able to work through a lot and take a lot of risks, some worked some didnt but had I not had that flock, I dont know if I would have done what I did, and felt what I did. I also learned what an emotional vocabulary was and the nuances of feelings. Feelings do not consist of HATE vs LOVE. There is a LOT inbetween, and that's just one...  You need that for art.  to make pictures that speak and have depth and play with metaphor and ambivalence and all those crunchy things that help us, as humans, find identification with the other, through art.

So belonging... I suppose having moved countries twice and with trying so hard, twice, to make a home and feel safe and  have a reflection of myself around me, so that I feel as if I exist properly and have a place, ... but at the same time, to be  curious and excited about life, and so it goes on.... : 
There are the two sides:  Belonging, which implies a search for permanence and security, and then the bodhicitta where we are encouraged to stay in groundlessness and movement and change and not consider ourselves seperate from the whole, but part of this ever changing egoless space, for want of a better explanation.
Better to listen to Pema... ! or read..


I am trying to respect both parts of myself, and turn them around a bit, gently, and be curious and see what happens..

I am book marking my ideas again.

the return of the spider

 

This is today's drawing.

They never look the same in a scan as when you hold it in your hands and feel the paper. The colours are more opaque or more translucent than this flatness.. anyway, I have the drawings. and this is  a sketchy kind of a drawing anyway.
This is just a bookmark, for me.


I am drawn so often in my life, when it is a certain way, to my two all time favourite artitsts: 
Louise Bourgeois
and Niki de saint phalle

One of the things that made me want to come to Italy in the first place, other than to run in the mountains of course, was to see the Tarot Garden in Tuscany, which I did see!! 

Here it is and something from it. It was made by Niki de saint phalle.

But I think that I think of Louise first, and then Niki, perhaps because I have seen more of Louise's work, and spent more time with it, on various occasions. [when  I lived in London]

Louise's work is also VERY autobiographical. I like artists like that, like Tracy Emin, although controversial, I like her work a lot. It is gutsy and fiery and not afraid of boundaries, and with work like that, it doesnt matter if someone percieves you a certain way, your work speaks for itself.
I think that is what draws me to these artists, the power and voice of their images.
I can relate to that so much. I find my own voice to feel more resonant and less trembly when i speak with my hands. I think it is food and guidance for my voice in real life, so when I don't speak with my hands, it is to my detriment.

I love a lot of things about Louise's work, and lots of it is just subconscious ressonance with the images, so not easy to list of explain.  The symbol that comes back to me so often, rather enigmatically, is the spider. It is contradictory and safe at the same time. I dont know... I cant explain it... I suppose that is why it creeps back onto my page so often in fits and starts.
and I love the way both artists work with image and word together, and also with textile and thread and cotton and sewing. In a way, it's craft, but turning it onto it's head, not denying it's 'roots' in the 'women's work' box, but making it's message and voice that much more powerful and provocative and alluring. The envy of the 'men's box' !!

I wish I could be like that in life, take things and turn them around so healthily and cleverly into something so 'other' and let them be something outside me that is glorious and strong and full of identity and purpose, as artists like Tracy are,  that is also me [in my way, whatever that is!] , that I can see and relate to, and have a mirror.   It's like MAKING deep ancient memories and quietly sharing them.

I love the spaces that Louise creates. You get such an immediate sense of her as a person, as an artist, as a soul. I love the way she expresses past and present and everything all at once so beautifully even if it is terrifying or brazen at the same time.

I am not sure what I am saying exactly, but I think the experience of having seen in particular one of her giant spiders outside the Tate Modern in London and seeing her retrospective in the Tate Modern, a few years ago,[i did a blog about it, i shall try to find it] is something that has stayed with me, under my skin and in my soul and something I draw on, when I remember or when i need that kind of stuff for my cells.

It is a good sign when I remember Louise Bourgeois, I think.  Here are just a few images. 

a lung and a dream catcher

Draw how you'd like your life to be. Don't think too much, just draw

something about my rainbows...

image got a bit cut by the scanner... but it doesnt matter

spider drawing

this I drew in the afternoon, the same day I finally went to the fantastic  Antonio Ligabue exhibition at the very famous palace of Palermo called Palazzo_dei_Normanni
I need to write about the exhibition, it is still brewing in me. I wont even attempt to write any adjectives now, suffice to say, that it totally struck a cord with me and I LOVED the exhibition. Bravo Palermo!!

It was also great to have some cultural stimulation, and see something contemporary that makes you think and is soul food. Did I mention that I miss London and all of it's exhuberence and creativity and vitality.
Oh well, we have some here too... slowly but surely I'm finding bits of it. It's just in different forms. But I am finding other awesome things along the way, its a different way of looking!
A bit more hard work, but it will get easier... I am sure.

I shall write about it soon.

Gabriel is on holiday now, which is fantastic, we're planning and going on all sorts of cool day trips. Yesterday, for starters, we went to a pebbly beach in Finale, just past Cefalu, and did a lot of really good swimming in the 'mare' and other things. Only tiny glich was that i forgot our sandwiches at home for our picnic, but hey ho, we had chips juice and smarties!
Next time I shall try harder to be a bit more Italian with my food supplies!

 But now I must go.. 

a boat..

The broken Noah's Ark and The family Walk

Our Noah's Ark is broken.
But I have some golden thread which I got on our family walk.

Where shall we go, on our Noah's Ark? ... and part of my roaming tapestry as it stands...