July 29, 2015

The things of meaning

29 July 15: This, I hope, speaks for itself.
Tomorrow I willmaybe write this into text with the keyboard so that its easier to read. 
But to start with, I needed to write it with my hands.
30 July 15:
Below is the text version. A lot has happened since my last post, but I will leave that for another time as it needs its own space. I will  just post this, for now. Another time I'll post some pictures too, especially as Gabriel is now 2!!!



Now, here it is written on the computer:


The things I need to do to be. Me.

[I wrote this by hand and I prefer the hand written type of writing, both visually and in lots of ways, but I am writing it in typewriter language as well, just to make it easier to read and more accessible, for various reasons. When I do this, write by hand and then write it into text, I change things, no matter how hard I try not to!  So, this is a sort of version of the hand written one. The source.]

These are not in order. They’re things I learned, sometimes easily, sometimes the hard way, but things I learned that don’t disappear.
These are the things I need to do, at least a bit, most days, to be able to care, really.
I need to do them to be there for my family, to grow, to fly, and be free and to be true.
That is the only way I want to be, for me, and for the people I love, and that starts with me. Because that is how these things work.  Especially if you are walking and speaking with your soul. At least that is how I think.

I can’t write everything about the things I need to do, that would turn into the things I want, as well as the things I need, which are not always the same thing, even if sometimes they feel the same!
And, in explaining these things to do, there is of course also there is the matter of family time, or space that I might be using up, and those are important things indeed.
In fact, so important that that is what has driven me to write these things down in the first place. It is like circles, which I love.  Returning to points again to be grounded and reminded and to see with new eyes and learn. But circles can very easily become spirals, especially if they are empty for too long or just not treated the way they need to be.  Spirals and circles are altogether different things! I hope this makes sense..

  • ·         I need to run most days, and every now and again, to run for a long-ish time, enough to forget time and just see what happens in my soul.
  • ·         I need to have creative live projects. Things I am making with my hands, and stretching my imagination and planning for and researching and experimenting with and wanting to read books and poems about. And find the places  to see and feel and connect with. It’s all about being expansive and having a vision and having meaning, and even, in a way, something to talk about. Making things with my hands and colour and ideas all joined up, is what makes my blood tingle and gives me vitality.
  • ·         I need to have some space to breath and think and be. I love people and cities and lots of things to look at, but I need my in between space to rest my eyes , my mind and be grounded. Where I can be quiet and peaceful , and where my inner and outer worlds can somehow be linked and connected.  It helps me to connect with myself and have resonance.  Even if it is just little.
  • ·         I suppose, linked to all of the above, and this is a funny one, because I am more of an introvert by nature, but I need a voice. I need to be able to express myself and my identity somehow. Mostly I need to express images and shapes and colours and stories and creations, abstract stuff really, symbolic, not overt, it is how I am and how I am able to be.I want to stand on my own feet and have control over at least some of my world and identity, and I think for me, I do that naturally and most intuitively through or with, my hands. Like a kind of a channel in a way. It makes me feel a little more real and as if I have a rucksack of meaning to take around with me. Of course, everything can’t be perfect or 100% all of the time, and all these things ebb and flow and need effort and courage.

But these are the things that give me fuel. I must try my hardest to keep trying and find a way and not give up. I think I need to do that for Mauri, Gabriel and me, all together.

Also, it is a circle, these ‘things’ are things, but Maurizio and Gabriel and my other lovely people are real and actually most important and my priority, but they are all linked. For me to be the best wife, mummy sister and daughter, I need to do my things!! At least some!!
On a final note, as Mauri says, "Every day we do it, we do it better” so each day we get a chance to start again and try again. Thank goodness for that!